My friend-heart broke again today. That part of my heart reserved for seeing people differently than what I portray them to be. The part of my heart that is the the same as mine and can therefore sympathize with their feelings. The part that I sometimes wish I didn’t have and instead had Dexter’s cold, black heart. The un-feeling kind.
But noooooo… I had to be granted with a heart that feels the pain of my friends. I blame Oprah for granting me the wish of feeling.
I learned today that an internet/for reals friend is divorcing. Another one. A couple I’ve spent time with in real life. A couple I actually thought was “it.” The couple that imagined in my tricky brain to do their own thing, then come home to each other, all the while knowing they were there for each other. The couple that understood each other so intently that they could live almost separate lives, yet still be IT for one another.
But I was wrong. Their married life is ending. The fairytale marriage I created isn’t actually real. But that’s just the point. I created this fantasy marriage in my head of a happy couple who understood each other so intently that they could live their lives segregated: together but separate.
I’m horribly sad for my friend. I know the exact feelings they are experiencing. Unfortunately. Except I fought hard. Really fucking hard. I’m not eluding to the fact that my friend didn’t try hard, but there are different circumstances to our lives. I need to be married to my husband. My children’s father. The man I adore. The man I envision myself in 30 years sitting with on the mountainside front porch of our Finger Lakes retreat. The man I love more than I could ever love another. I fought fucking hard to keep our marriage intact the way it is today.
We are happy together. Every day isn’t perfect, but every day he makes me smile. Every day I am intensely grateful that he comes home to me and our girls. I thank him every day for deciding to stick it out and work on us.
I love that he loves me. Again.
When I hear of another marriage ending or having trouble, that pit in my stomach returns and reminds me of how much I love my husband and how hard I fought to keep him. It reminds me of how much I take him for granted and need to tell him I love him. It reminds me that the story I have of other people’s lives is just that. A story.
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Aw, that sucks. Marriage is hard. Seriously. HARD. But I’m with you – I’ll fight and fight for it and make that damn fairytale come true one way or another. Maybe we could use each other as stories. =) You make mine seem perfect in your head and I’ll do the same for you. hehe
we’ll pretend together!
I have FOUR friends who split from their spouses in the course of the last month. It kills me to see them in pain and know there’s absolutely nothing I can do. I’m starting to hate Christmas.
i blame baby jeebus.
*hugs* that’s all. Just hugs.
I love you.
love you back.
I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way, every time I hear about another friend’s marital issues. I just heard about a friend divorcing and it blew my mind.
We’ve had to fight so damn hard to get to where we are in out marriage and I know the fights not over. But I am damn lucky to have a man who is willing to fight with me.
ebbs & flows.
Good girl.
thank you, daddy
I am sorry for your friend. Marriage is so damn hard. Even when we love each other so much. I thought this beautifully written.
aw, thanks for the compliment.
I completely agree with you.
as you should.
I love this, Ang. 20 years in and marriage still has is moments when it’s so hard. Worth it to fight. Love you, and prayers for your friend.
thanks – lots to work thru in 20 years i’m sure.
I was talking with someone last night about how divorce seems to be catching, The Hubster and I have gone through some very tough times and I know there will be tough times ahead but I am so glad to have him and will fight tooth and nail to keep him
fighting on both sides is important.
We just never know what is happening in other people’s lives and marriages. We may think we do, but we don’t.
I am so glad you and your husband could work it out to be together. The hardest work imaginable- but so worth it.
yes, so worth it.
I’m so sorry to hear about your friends. No matter the circumstances, the end of a marriage is a sad event.
all the way around.
You’re a very good friend, and I’m so glad that you were able to do what you needed. You guys seem very happy!
we are.
This is very sad. I know that sometimes divorce is the best thing for some couples but it still is so tragic to me. Beautiful, heartbreaking blog. Goes to show we never really know what’s going on behind closed doors…
thank you
and yes, you never know.
Having been through a divorce, I know how hard it is on the people involved – including family and friends around the couple. That said – there are few young fathers ANYWHERE I respect and admire more than your husband. I haven’t met HIM, but I have met YOU – and I can’t help but imagine that two of you are a great couple and fantastic parents. I am so glad – so very glad – to read this post from you, today. Some things just have to be – HAVE to be – steady in the world – and you two are one of those things. You’re meant to be – you HAVE to be. Period.
this made me *tear*
he is the best father i know. really and truly.
and yes, we are meant to be, so we are.
Dear Sister (Hockeymandad, you too):
Stop making me cry! That’s what I have “Brothers & Sisters” for. I don’t need my real ones to do it too!!
Anyways….sorry about your friend. And YEA for solidly married parents who show us that it’s OK for marraige to be hard as long as you love each other, stick through the icky parts and cherish the lovely parts (even when the lovely parts have to go up a pant size).
“All through the night I’ll be watching over you
And all through the night I’ll be standing over you
And through bad dreams I’ll be right there baby
telling you everything’s going to be alright
When you cry I’ll be there baby
telling you were never nothing less than beautiful
So don’t you worry
I’m your angel standing by ”
That is all.
My therapist once told me that the happiest people you know aren’t the ones you know well. When I went through my divorce, pretty much everyone that knew us was shocked. We seemed to have it together. We led a marriage support community for chrissake. As it turned out, we were just really good at keeping our crap within our own domain and becoming the shiny happy people we needed to be for everyone else.
One thing that surprised me about the whole thing was how so many of our friends saw the end of our marriage as a threat to their own. I never realized the interdependence that had creeped into our social structure. I knew sides would be drawn and I was prepared to lose people I loved because, in the end, it was the best thing for everyone.
Hang in there with both of them, if you can. They both need your love and support. Sides don’t matter, but people do.
definitely no “side taking” in this instance.
but yes, i can see how people depend on other’s relationships on which to compare their own. “if they’re happy, there’s no reason for us not to be happy.” and then when it falls apart, the same feelings can appear. when another couple i know splits, it makes me ever so much more grateful that we are happy now.
divorce is brutal on everyone, including the friends and family around someone. It is often compared to the death of someone, it is the death of a relationship, but I found my own divorce to be much more difficult and devastating then death. I will say now, almost 6 years later, that it was the very BEST choice that I could have made and feel like I wasted time in peril not knowing what to do. divorce is hard, but it isn’t all that sad sometimes.
the initial shock and progression into the next life apart is extremely difficult, but i’m sure once it’s all said and done, it can be better.
What a beautiful, heartfelt post.
thanks
The older Bossy gets and the longer she’s married, the more she understands that life is complicated, especially other people’s lives, to comprehend.
Bossy tends to accept more and judge less.
100% yes.
Love you.
And dammit,,, I was all good until your hubby’s comment.
You’re an amazing friend and a helluva woman.
Love you
love you back.
hard.
as little girls snuggling in circles of pink sleeping bags we’d tell stories of who we would be in 20 years, who we would marry, where we would live.
We lived in fairy tales that thumped with truth.
Until we grew up.
I remember attending weddings. Baby showers. Holiday parties. Now, I get the late night phone call, a quick e-mail, even a tweet.
We’re done. It’s over.
Assets divided.
And we all wake up.
I’m gonna snuggle in my sleeping bag just a wee bit longer.
I don’t have a lot of married friends…yet. But when they start divorcing, I think I’ll take it really hard. Sending you a gushy hug, baby. Loves you.
So sad we cant work things out anymore.
Everyone’s giving up and splitting up.
Marriage isnt meant to be easy…that’s why it’s for better, no worse until death.
Not in the good times only; and in the bad times split.
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