There’s Just Certain Things I Refuse To Give Up.

by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on May 30, 2011

in Farts and Other Stuff,Fat Girl,I like to eat

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be what you’d refer to as a “skinny girl.” I will always have at least 20-30 extra pounds, even when I do get past those pesky 50 pounds I need to lose to get down to the magical 20-30 pounds above my target healthy weight.

So really, I’m just talking about those extra 20-30 pounds I’ll never lose because I refuse to give up certain things in my epicurean life. I’ve tried to use turkey meat in my sauce instead of meat meat. It’s just not the same. I don’t cook enough as it is, and when I use turkey meat, it makes me want to throw away what I actually made and never cook another meal again. From here forward, I’ll always use meat meat so that I feel like I can be an actual food fixer for my family instead of a food fixer who throws away the food she cooks.

Kraft Real Mayo. Don’t give me that Hellman’s Mayonaise or that crap that’s not even mayo, Miracle Whip. There’s nothing miracle about that whipped up jar of salad dressing masquerading as creamy goodness of Real Mayo. I will accept Patrick making his famous-in-our-house just-like-the-real-thing-imitation Sex Sauce (see: a delicious everything sauce created by our former employer, Fudpucker’s) using Hellman’s, but he buys it in small jars just for the purpose of making the sauce.

AND OH SWEET BABY JEEBUS don’t try to pass off that “Lite” or “No Fat” Kraft Real Mayo. That shite tastes like the ass-end of a homeless man suffering from Crohn’s Disease. I’d rather go hungry than use that impostor Lite or No Fat mayo. My mom loves me so much, she buys me my own Kraft Real Mayo for her house when I come to visit. I don’t think of it as enabling a fatty; I think of it as a nugget of love from my Mama for my snobbish Mayo appetite.

To go with my Kraft Real Mayo, I’m sort of a huge sandwich bread snob. OK, not “sort of,” I am. I don’t need the expensive, fancy-pants bread that’s baked fresh daily or the kind of the shelves that comes double bagged for no apparent reason. I need my plain ole store brand Honey Wheat sammich bread. AND LORD & OPRAH IN HEAVEN IF YOU TRY TO GIVE ME THAT BUTTER BREAD CRAP. In college, I had a roommate who had many more issues than buying butter bread, but for this scenario, I’m focusing on just that one personality flaw. Butter bread has no purpose. None. Fake butter flavor on sandwich bread should go the ways of Michael Jackson and his wife, Elizabeth Taylor, and die. That bitch of a psycho roommate bought butter bread, and I STUPIDLY made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Friends. When I tell you that I still remember the rancid-like taste in my mouth of that PB&J on butter bread sammich, I wish I was joking. It’s hard to remember a more foul-tasting food than that butter bread PB&J sandwich I ate some 14 years ago.

Yes, I am a food snob. No, I am not a chi-chi foo-foo-food-only eater. I just likes what I likes, and there’s no way I can see myself giving up what I like, even if it means I’ll never wear a bikini or fit into a size 6.

I can’t ever give up hosting parties in my mouth.

What’s your never-give-up food?

Sweet Baby Jeebus & Oprah, you best not say butter bread or I swear to the Ghost of Oprah, I’ll hunt you down and stab you with my spork.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Get my brilliance emailed to you every time I publish. You definitely want this.

Preview | Powered by FeedBlitz

{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

1 AmazingGreis May 31, 2011 at 12:02 am

I will never give up real cheese. I don’t do 2% cheese or fat free cheese, if I’m indulging in cheese I want full fat cheese THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

I’ve given up a lot of other things so let me keep my real cheese!!!
An Awesome post on AmazingGreis´s blog … Swimsuit Confidence…

Reply

2 Val Payne May 31, 2011 at 2:06 am

No “healthy” cheese for me either! I will smack you with Angie’s mayo filled sammich if you hand me cheese that is missing it’s essential fatty-ness.

Reply

3 Joules May 31, 2011 at 3:08 am

I am tempted to say butter bread just to see what kind if damage you can do with a spork, but I’m guessing a hella lot and I’m not taking any chances to mar these supermodel looks I’m rocking.
I am not giving up sugar. No how, no way. That’s why I love me the Weight Watchers. You can have whatever you want if you hoard your pretty, pretty points. I save myself a little bag of tootsie rolls and butterscotchs every day. I don’t care about tooth decay, hyperactivity or diabetes. You’ll have to pry the sugar from my cold, dead hands. Hopefully not from the diabetes.
An Awesome post on Joules´s blog … The Musacks – Erasure

Reply

4 Maryam May 31, 2011 at 6:00 am

Pasta. Regular pasta not that whole wheat pasta. I don’t understand paying more for whole wheat pasta when I can get wood chips for free and chew on those.

Reply

5 Sarah May 31, 2011 at 7:08 am

The list is long. Coffee with half & half and sugar is at the very top. I’ve tried it with other stuff and it is just now the same. If given the choice, I would give up cannolis, carrot cake, bacon, potatoes and buttery bagels to keep my light and sweet coffee.
An Awesome post on Sarah´s blog … Little Boxes

Reply

6 Andie May 31, 2011 at 9:30 am

I’m with Maryam with white Pasta. The other thing is Peanut Butter. If anyone wants me to live without peanut butter, they will have to pry it out of my cold, dead, fat hands.
An Awesome post on Andie´s blog … Oh- this old thing and the fine art of self-deprecation

Reply

7 Karen Sugarpants May 31, 2011 at 10:27 am

Oh I’m WITH YOU. Real mayo, fo sho. Also, I don’t do aspartame or any variation of that. SUGAR ME – sugar is real (not white sugar tho – just natural). And butter, never margarine. Marg=chemicals my body does not understand. Butter = natural and easily digested.

Having said all that crap about going natural, I love me my Smartfood popcorn coated in white cheddar chemical goodness. I will never give that up entirely.

Which is probably why I too will always be sporting an extra 20-30 on my badonkadonk too.

Reply

8 Crystal May 31, 2011 at 2:31 pm

I had my gallbladder removed. Im not supposed to eat sugar, red meat, ice cream, milk, cheese, spicy food etc…Im not supposed to eat anything delicious. I refuse to give up fried foods. The greasier the better. Fried chicken, fries, onion rings, deep fried oreos, and deep fried mac and cheese. I will NEVER give them up.

Reply

9 Tara May 31, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Bring on the spork….I just bought butter bread…yumtastic and I do lurve my Miracle Whip…throw on a little tomatoe and you have a party in your mouth!!!!!!

Reply

10 Lori May 31, 2011 at 3:58 pm

I can not and will not ever give up ice cream, real pasta, and real cheese. Also, diet soda makes me want to puke.
An Awesome post on Lori´s blog … Overdone Not to be confused with Well Done

Reply

11 Michelle May 31, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Cheese. Those reduced or fat-free “cheese” wannabes can kiss the junk in my trunk. I’d rather reduce the amount I use than lower myself to using that imitation crap. And don’t even get me started on that vegan cheese. Hey, I’m from Wisconsin, so I have to have my good old dairy-made cheese.

Also, mashed potatoes. I’ve tried that mashed up cauliflower mashed tater substitute and it tasted nothing like potatoes. It tasted like cauliflower. So don’t fall for that one.

As for mayo, I can do Kraft lite but only if mixed with mustard. Otherwise, gotta have regular on that too.
An Awesome post on Michelle´s blog … Memories of Mom

Reply

12 Andrew June 1, 2011 at 3:06 am

Oh! don’t give up.
An Awesome post on Andrew´s blog … Olive Garden Recipe – Stuffed Mushrooms – A Light Olive Garden Variation

Reply

13 wagthedad June 1, 2011 at 7:05 am

I will never give up popcorn. I know it’s simple. I know it’s cliché. But I once gained twenty pounds in one summer just eating popcorn (I worked in a movie theater), and even though I lost the twenty pounds and gained them back later with beer, I will never. ever. give up popcorn. k?

Reply

14 alimartell June 2, 2011 at 8:04 am

I’m sorry.
But Hellman’s Mayo is THE SHIT.

Reply

15 BJ June 2, 2011 at 7:36 pm

As a preface…lets just say I work with a woman who has gone on a ‘wonder diet’ and changed her life…and now she thinks the whole world should be like her. I feel really bad because if she looks down her nose at my food choices once more I do believe I’m going to do some spork stabbing of my own. Never mind the fact that she still is a chubby and will always be…some bodies just don’t DO size 6.

So – I will NOT give up:

BREAD (ANY KIND)
WHEAT
PASTA
CHOCOLATE (ANY KIND)
MY EVERY BLUE MOON SODA
POPCORN
AND anything else that makes my FAT ASS happy!

Reply

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: