This? Is not OK: Running

by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on May 25, 2010

in Fat Girl,This? Is Not OK

Running is stupid.

This is not a “Lookit me! I’m exercising! I’m super happy! I’m gonna be super skinny in 2.4 weeks! ZOH MAH GAH I’m so encouraged to change my life!” post.

Nope. Running is stupid.

Exercising is stupid.

But I did it for serious this morning. Not 1/2-assed. Like, for serious, serious sweating.

If I had checked my pulse at the height of my near-death exercise routine at minute 14, it would have been somewhere between 150 and 300 or something.

I mentioned last week that I bought the Couch to 5K app for my iPhone. Today, I used it.

I woke up early. *gasp*
I put on tennis shoes WITH socks. *double gasp*
I started the app. *triple gasp*
I stretched. *NAILED IT*
I.
WAS
RUN-NING.

*THUD*

The first two cycles of running were pretty easy. Having not truly exercised or run for the last 15 years of my life, I was pretty durn proud of myself for not falling over and dying a slow heart-attack death on my neighbor’s sidewalk. (“That poor fat girl was just trying to lose some of that Taco Bell 4-year-old baby weight. Such a pretty face wasted on the sidewalk.“)

Then came the start of the 3rd cycle of running NON-STOP for SIXTY WHOLE SECONDS. And dudes. It was hard.

Like, super duper hard.

I had no idea my size 7-1/2 feet weighed so much. Like running with boulders at then end of my chubby legs. Heavy.

Stupid.

Hard.

Then my panties started falling down. Not my shorts. My undieroos inside my shorts.

Do you know what a fat girl looks like jogging/walking briskly while pulling her skivvies up from the outside of her shorts with one ear bud falling out of her ear and glasses sliding down her nose?

If you’d been in my neighborhood at 7:45 this morning, you could have videoed it for YouPorn.

And who knew my ARMS would hurt after this “Run, Fat Girl, Run Experiment”?

And my foot is dead. I’m pretty sure I have plantar fascitis or that Voodoo Priestess’ spell on me from 1995 is finally working and I’ll never be able to walk the streets of New Orleans again. Either way, it hurts like yeah.

And I’m sore.

And tomorrow’s soreness will be worse.

And I DESERVED THE MARGARITA I DRANK FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

But I’ll do it again.

I get a rest tomorrow to slap on at least 9 Ben-Gay* patches all over my body.
Related: Do you think they stick on hair? There are places down there I’m pretty sure will be hurty and will need the sweet cool relief of Mr. Gay and I’m not into acting like a Brazilian ifyouknowwhatimean.

This deal of 30 minutes of work for ever 48 hours is pretty sweet.

To summarize:
* Running is dumb, but being fat is dumber.
* I’m gonna get me a preggo belly band to keep my big ole belly up and strapped down and unjiggly.
* I promise NOT to bore you with my efforts to be svelt and a MILF by the end of the summer.
* You WILL want to feel me up.

Or I’ll fail miserably after week 2 and you’ll be non the wiser.

______________________________

*Is there a better name for a product than “Ben-Gay”?

I think not.

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{ 55 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Mandi Bone May 25, 2010 at 9:25 pm

I am going to feel you up in August and I can not wait.

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2 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 8:53 pm

swoooooooeeeeeeetttttt

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3 @mikemoore72 May 25, 2010 at 9:30 pm

holy crap this was such a funny blog post. imma share this with my wife. good luck with your training regimen. you have motivated me to go downstairs and look at my elliptical trainer. i might even move the items hanging on it and USE it. maybe. baby steps.

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4 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 8:53 pm

i did a second day today! yiipppeeeeee

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5 cindy w May 25, 2010 at 10:06 pm

Whatever dude, I’m doing the couch-to-5K too, AND Jillian Michaels workouts (evil), and I’m blogging about it ALL the freaking time. Because I tend to blog about whatever is taking up the majority of my brain space, and right now it’s dieting and exercising. I’m boring, sue me. My last blog post was about my sports bra. Really.

Btw, with the couch-to-5K, I got stuck on week 3 for a month, because week 4 involves running for 5 (FIVE!!) minutes and I just couldn’t do it. I finally did it for the first time a few days ago. I ran 5 minutes without stopping. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

And I am TOTALLY gonna feel up your hot ass at BlogHer. You better believe it, mama.

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6 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 8:53 pm

can you smack my arse while you’re feeling me up?

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7 Hockeyman May 25, 2010 at 10:38 pm

I would feel you up tonight for how prod I am of you for getting up so early to do it. However, I fear it might hurt too much so I’ll wait a little bit. This is my conscious self speaking, and I cannot be held accountable for my sub-conscious drug induced sleep which now has a pre-sleep idea.

Good luck! 😉
.-= Hockeyman´s most Awesome last blog ..Possible Predictions for Lost Finale =-.

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8 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 8:54 pm

uh, what?

also, feel free to feel me.

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9 Val "Catlin" Payne May 26, 2010 at 12:07 am

I am more in love with you than ever. *tear*

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10 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 8:55 pm

SWOOOOON

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11 Karen Sugarpants May 26, 2010 at 12:59 am

Welcome to the cult. I run so I can drink beer and eat chocolate. It’s only been since March but I’m hooked.
Get thee some tighter pants – my first running pants had tight spandex underneath flare yoga pants and they are perfect. I still need to hold the jiggle in with something like that.
Make sure you take the time to stretch after too, k? No need to hurt yo’ bad self.
Lastly, good for you! xoxoxo
.-= Karen Sugarpants´s most Awesome last blog ..karensugarpants: @alimartell oh yeah…got a stool? It’s never too early for child labour. =-.

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12 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 8:58 pm

exercising is stupid. I WANT A PILL.

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13 Adriane May 26, 2010 at 1:10 am

I don’t want to run but I do want one of those pregnant belly bands. Where can I get one?
.-= Adriane´s most Awesome last blog ..The Beginning of the End of BOTTLES =-.

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14 Vanessa May 26, 2010 at 9:00 am

A Pea in the Pod. (I work there Saturday mornings. LOL)

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15 cindy w May 26, 2010 at 10:55 am

I’m pretty sure Target now carries Bella bands too.

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16 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 8:59 pm

someone else said yummie tummie, which is not a 1/2 bad idea.

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17 YoMama May 26, 2010 at 2:40 am

😉

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18 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 8:59 pm

🙂

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19 Smart Bear May 26, 2010 at 7:09 am

OHmahell…you are so damn funny girl. I hates it when my panties fall down and my britches stays up.
Tina

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20 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 8:59 pm

it’s total suck.

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21 Vanessa May 26, 2010 at 9:01 am

Is it sad that when I do my normal sexy strut my panties still fall down? And then I have to do the two-hand reach down and yank them up. I work in an office with about 95% men too. Yay.

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22 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 9:00 pm

and sometimes hiding in the bathroom is just not convenient. i hear ya.

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23 Sandi May 26, 2010 at 10:56 am

Yay! Running is stupid but I’m going to do it if it means that I don’t have to go buy more fat pants. You are awesome! I I’m going to do day three this afternoon, hold me!
.-= Sandi´s most Awesome last blog ..Couch to 5k — Week 1 Day 2 =-.

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24 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 11:39 pm

i did day 2 today!

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25 Sandi May 28, 2010 at 12:43 am

I’m supposed to start week two tomorrow but I’m scared. My mom analyzed my gait and says I need new shoes, she thinks it will help with the shin splints and plantar faciatis. I think I may do week one day one again tomorrow, buy new shoes this weekend and start week two next week.

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26 Amy! May 26, 2010 at 11:11 am

I had THE SAME underoos falling down experience the last time I went running, too! It was ridiculous!

But yay for exercising and not being a fat ass anymore!! (She says while eating a donut)
.-= Amy!´s most Awesome last blog ..I love a man who cooks =-.

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27 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 11:40 pm

mmmmmm donut please.

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28 nic @mybottlesup May 26, 2010 at 1:34 pm

you are so badass and i’m proud of you and your undieroos.

but i’ll never ever do this… like, ever.

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29 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 11:44 pm

i never thought i’d run unless i was being chased by rabid 7 year olds, but i did it. weirdly.

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30 Becky May 26, 2010 at 2:02 pm

oh man. this was classic. i hate working out too. so very much. props to you!
.-= Becky ´s most Awesome last blog ..Their Dad =-.

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31 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 11:45 pm

thank you thank you thank you

…keep them coming…

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32 toywithme May 26, 2010 at 2:02 pm

Since skipping kegals during pregnancy (lazy vagina) running is out, unless I want my undieroos slightly moistened, and not in a good way. So major props to ya for NAILING the stretch and running with boulders, good on ya lady. I almost feel inspired to doing a little exercise myself, thanks for that.
.-= toywithme´s most Awesome last blog ..How Not To Talk Dirty In Bed =-.

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33 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 11:45 pm

you? are welcome.

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34 AmazingGreis May 26, 2010 at 2:29 pm

Running (all exercise) is the debil! I’m so glad that you are starting it. I know you will be fine!!! Go, Angie, Go!

I’m pretty sad that I won’t be able to rub all over your hotness in NY…I may have to travel to the BIG O soon just to get my Angie rub down in!!!
.-= AmazingGreis´s most Awesome last blog ..Big Steps… =-.

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35 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 11:46 pm

GO FATTY GO!

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36 kdiddy May 26, 2010 at 2:35 pm

I was never a runner, but I’m almost done with week 7 of C25K, which means that I can now run for 25 minutes without stopping. That first week or so almost killed me, though. It doesn’t get easier, but YOU get stronger and it’s a pretty cool feeling. Hang in there! And just keep pushing through that urge to stop. You’ll amaze yourself.
.-= kdiddy´s most Awesome last blog ..anne of green crack pipes =-.

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37 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 11:51 pm

holy nerds. i can’t even fathom running for more than 60 seconds at a time, and that’s just in the first 1/2 of the 20 minute section.

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38 kdiddy May 28, 2010 at 12:24 pm

I know! During the first few weeks, I would look ahead at the program and think, “How the hell am I going to run for THREE MINUTES at a time?!?!? Let alone 20 or 30 minutes!” But I did it. Just don’t worry about it and let your body figure it out. 🙂
.-= kdiddy´s most Awesome last blog ..roll bounce =-.

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39 Nat May 26, 2010 at 3:32 pm

Oh girl, I have done this. Yes, including the panties. Some days you’ll do it for the blog posts. (I now run without panties — I’m with Karen, you need tighter running shorts… will prevent the chafing.) Soon, it will be too hot to run outside, and you are hoping for rain. Because you’ve become a runner.

Make sure your feet are ok before running again. I just spent six months on the injured list with plantar fasciatis.

(Ms. Sugarpants shared this. Hi, I’m Nat!)
.-= Nat´s most Awesome last blog ..Spin, spin, spin the black circle =-.

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40 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 11:52 pm

i write so many blog posts while i’m driving, and now while i’m walking/jogging. then, i come back and post up this drivel.

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41 mel May 26, 2010 at 3:42 pm

This post is awesome. The only thing that would be more awesome is the video of you pulling up your undies from the outside.
You did it! it IS so hard when you start. I’m pissed I quit, but the weather here kind of sucks in January so I’m using it as an excuse, however, it’s now May and I’ve put it off long enough.
I wear this black thing that wraps around your stomach and makes your stomach sweat even more. It’s disgusting, but if it does what it says it will do I’ll deal with being a hot sweaty mess.
.-= mel´s most Awesome last blog ..I’ll be on my boat. =-.

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42 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 11:53 pm

i don’t need to sweat more. GAWD that’d be a mess and a half.

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43 Lori May 26, 2010 at 4:44 pm

ugh, running DOES suck.
.-= Lori´s most Awesome last blog ..I’m so lost. =-.

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44 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 11:53 pm

totally

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45 Angie's Favourite Sister May 26, 2010 at 6:51 pm

I’m in! I just did 25 minutes on the elliptical. If you can do it, I can do it!

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46 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 11:54 pm

swoooooooot!!

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47 Miss Britt May 26, 2010 at 7:55 pm

Running BLOWS.

I refuse.

I have done it exactly TWICE in the last 10 weeks of constant freaking exercise. It’s AMAZING how many ways I have found to exercise without running, because that’s how much I hate it.
.-= Miss Britt´s most Awesome last blog ..On losing control =-.

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48 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 11:56 pm

i did it again this morning, and it was stupid-hard.

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49 Kelley May 26, 2010 at 10:33 pm

I had to comment….this had me rolling on the floor, probably because I can totally see myself running down the road (okay, okay, fast walking *smirks*) and pulling my undies up.

I’ve figured out about 10 million other way to exercise and not running….running = death. I’m not fond of death, so I’ll stick with my bike 🙂

But good for you! and keep up all the work!
.-= Kelley´s most Awesome last blog ..Fat Butt Fridays =-.

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50 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 11:58 pm

i’m not fond of it, but i’m doing it. just like showers.

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51 MommyNamedApril May 27, 2010 at 12:46 pm

go you! one day i too will remove my arse from the couch… one day…
.-= MommyNamedApril´s most Awesome last blog ..In Somewhat Disturbing News, It Appears Google Knows Something We Don’t. =-.

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52 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] May 27, 2010 at 11:58 pm

today is your one day.

maybe?

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53 Aunt Becky May 28, 2010 at 3:11 pm

One word: spandex. NOW. It holds the jiggles up. TRUST ME ON THIS.
.-= Aunt Becky´s most Awesome last blog ..Try Our Low Carb Fence!! =-.

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54 Zoeyjane May 31, 2010 at 4:27 am

I gotta disagree. It might suck and hurt and cause weird stuff to shoot out of every pore of your body, but I think running is the sh**. Why? It’s the only times in the middle of the day that I’ve been guaranteed that no one wanted me to do anything, listen to them, or watch them practice ninj-et (a complex sport of ballet and ninja moves).
.-= Zoeyjane´s most Awesome last blog ..Acceptance =-.

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55 Ami June 1, 2010 at 8:49 pm

So I’ve been stalking Aunt Becky for a while now and with this whole cruise awesomeness goin’ down I’m like I need to find out who this Angie chick is b/c I mean if Becky likes her then she must be cool (Cuz I like lemming logic like that).

So I read this post and my one thought is: dude if it takes you a whole two weeks to fail you are so my hero b/c me? I do it once, make all these great plans and … never do it again… B/c I’m a little tarded like that.

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