Top 100: #81-100 – My Beliefs

Well, hello there, visitors from Huckdoll’s Hood and repeat lovahs. I’ve been awaiting your arrival.

The toilets are clean, the floor is vacuumed, and dinner is ready for you on the table. That’s more than I do for my own mother, so feel special, bitches.

I thought and thought and thought about what you would enjoy reading about, and since I’m a less-than-average blog writer, I’m sharing my finale of my Top 100.

#1 it’s a list (and I LOVES me a list), #2 it’s a way to get you to know me, and #3 I need to finish this Top 100 thing out since I’m on post #235. I’m a bit of a procrastinator.

For previous Top 100s – #1-20, 21-40, 41-60, & 61-80.

81. I believe in a person’s right to choose on every aspect of life, except when that choice may lead to the demise or affliction of another person or animal.

82. I feel passionately about marriage rights and equal rights for every person.

Still with me? I’m really not that serious. I just wanted the quality readers to stick with me through good and silly.

83. I watch far too much TV for a healthyish person. When we bought our fancypants TV, we asked about the TV’s lifespan. The sales guy was all, “Yeah, it will last for 10 years under normal TV-watching circumstances.” I ask, “Sooooo, what is considered ‘normal TV-watching circumstances’?” Sales guy, “Ha Ha (I remember the laughing distinctly), you know, like 6-8 hours a day. Under those circumstances, the TV will last you at least 10 years.” Ummmmm…. I’m inclined to think our TV will last us about 2.75 years.

84. My fat neighbor has bigger boobs that I do. We drive past his house every weekend and have to see the pregnant man belly and boobs covered in man hair, so I know this for a fact.  For a fluffy woman, I have proportionately small boobs. I have to buy my bras in the fat-girl store. Not even in the JCPenney lingerie department. The fat-girl store. Even then, I have space left in the cups for storing food. nom nom nom

85. I was blessed with really great hair but not with the motivation to fix it every day. Or even every week. If I meet you at Target, it will be pulled back in a ponytail and my frizz halo sprayed down with hairspray. If you’re lucky, it will have been picked out. If not, it will be a nest fit for a rat. See my progression o’hair:

   

86. I have the best husband I could possible wish upon a star for. He believes him doing the dishes counts as foreplay. He flirts with my friends online and in real life, and I count that as foreplay. It’s Business Time.

87. I have two incredibly beautiful and smart girls. My oldest turns 4 on the 4th and my youngest is 2 1/2. If you mess with them, I will cut you.

88. I started a web store after I quit working to stay home with my girls. It’s pretty successful. Go there and buy something. Now. This will wait.

Did you go? No? GO NOW, BITCHES. BUY. Mama has an IRS bill to pay.

89. I have recently discovered Plurk. Because of Plurk, I no longer care for my children, do laundry, bathe blog as much as I want.

90. I loves me some queso. I have the belly to show for it.

91. I believe you should dress for your size. Yes, fat girls, you, too. I never have and never will claim to be a fashionista by ANY means. But, come ON. If you have a belly, wear a shirt that doesn’t hug your Michelin Man. Stuff that muffin top back in your low-riders, take your fat ass to Lane Bryant, and get yourself some pants that fit.

92. I believe I have the face of a 14-year-old boy. Just without the black peach fuzz. I’ve always had bad skin, but once I got on the Pill at 18, it cleared up for the most part. During my two pregnancies and nursing, my skin was near flawless. But now. I have enough grease on my face, back, and chest to run a Taco Bell. Please don’t suggest skin care regiments. I’ve tried Arbonne, Neutrogena, Proactiv, Dove, Ivory, and prescription shit. NOTHING works. Next step: Accutane.  SHIVVVERS

93. I have suffered from IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) in the past, and it creeps up on me like your Grandma’s ex-lax. I spent 4 days in the hospital a few years ago due to severe stomach pains, had my gall bladder out, have been on anxiety meds, and have finally gotten it under control. Aside from the occassional peeing-out-of-my-ass incidents, I’ve been pretty good since having my girls. Now since I’m saying I’m good, I’ll have an episode tonight on the floor of my bathroom. NO – not the ass pee on the floor. ME on the floor writhing in pain while my Ambien-taking husband sleeps the night away.

94. I believe the DVR/TiVo is the greatest invention since bread television. I was raised in a TV-watching household, so I blame my addiction to TV on my parents. I remember watching 90210 in high school w/ my sister and my dad, and my dad would get PISSED if we took a phone call during the commercials. I can still hear him yelling at me down the hall as I broke up with my Senior-year boyfriend over the phone during the commercial of a taped episode. (That’s me confessing to breaking up with my Senior-year boyfriend over the phone during the commercial of 90210.) It’s a serious addiction, but one I’m not going to give it up. Even if you came and filmed me on an episonde of Intervention. But that would be kinda cool to be on a TV show about an addiction to TV.

95. I believe Barack Obama should be our next President. If he’s not, we’re coming to Vancouver. For serious.

96. I believe I am the best mom I can be, but I think I can strive to be better.

97. I am a HORRIFIC housewife. One of the reasons I started my webstore is was to be able to afford a housekeeper. I believe The Secret brought her to me.

98. The best thing about being stay-at-home or work-at-home is being able to shit in my own toilet. See #93. Once you have the pleasure of taking a deuce on your own shitter every day, I can imagine it’s tough to go back to having to go up 3 floors to use someone else’s crapper so your co-workers don’t hear your poo’s splashback.

99. One I should never write long posts if one I am is not willing to read long posts. Unless you promise to end with a joke or are as funny as watching a monkey play with his own nutsack (and who doesn’t find that funny), keep your posts simple and easy-to-read. Mama’s got 145ish things to do.

100. I am always right.