I’m done with my lady womb.
More done than I am with underboob sweat, and that’s a lot done.
I’m done having the babies to keep for myself and Patrick has been snipped up to keep the tadpoles from reaching through my cervix, so it’s time to take out the whole factory. What more does it do for me than cost money for feminine hygiene products while I ride horses and make me worry that I can’t wear white pants for 5 days a month?
Periods are stupid.
The every-28-day sloughing off the bloody innards of my Texas Longhorn is just another pain in my bagina, and I’m over it.
The obvious questions begs: If I elect to have my uterus removed, can I lay it out in a dehydrator and make it into a healthy Lady Jerky?
At the time I shat out my two babies, I was in the closet about all of this new-age/ancient ritual business that I could eat my own placenta for nutrients. I feel like I missed out on all of those important steps in the bonding experience with my discarded organ.
photo via inhabitots
According to one guy, placenta jerky tastes like “dry, gamy, bland jerky.” So pretty much like all gas station jerky, daddy?
Mayer takes a bit of dehydrated, cooked placenta she saved and ceremoniously places a portion in their open palms. The pieces are brown, shriveled, and brittle—like old shoe leather left out in the sun.
Because nothing is more ceremonious than eating your insides and offering it to your closest and dearest.
Placenta Brisket, anyone?
photo credit Kathryn Parker Almanas via NY Mag
I’m totally down for trying new foods. As long as it doesn’t rhyme with Picken on Chizza, let’s put it in my mouth! Saying that takes me back to my early teen years. Memories.
Or maybe a uterus Teddy Bear? We could trade it around the house to snuggle and keep us warm in our dreams. And if Uterus Teddy Bear got tired of hanging around here, we could send her on trips like Flat Stanley.
photo via inhabitots
Who wants Uterus Teddy Bear first?
At this point in my 35th year of life, having a Uterus Teddy Bear would be more beneficial to my life than the monthly hassle of shoving cotton swabs up my lady hole.
Or if anyone wants to rent out my space for 9 months, I’m totally open to growing your baby.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Girlfriend, you need to get the Mirena IUD. I’m on my second one (they last 5 years) and I haven’t had a period, or cramps, or menstrual headaches, or PMS since 2002. IT ROCKS!!!
An Awesome post on Leigh Anne´s blog … The Prank That Wasn’t
I want to sit in my room and write love songs to Mirena.
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I had a hysterectomy at 33 and it was one of the best things I ever did for myself. And never having a visit from Aunt Flo at an inopportune time is a great thing!
I just threw up in my mouth looking at those pictures. And then, to make it better, my mind provided me with the thwap sound of my placenta hitting the metal bowl. Blech!
True story:
When I was trying to trick my body into ovulating again, so that I could get knocked up, I had to take progesterone. When I got the prescription filled, the pharmacist that gave me all the instructions was a really pretty Indian lady, about 30, with a thick accent and a horrendous lazy eye. When she told me how to use it, she looked at me, totally serious, with that one good eye, and said I could either take it orally or put it in my “bagina.” It was ALL I COULD DO not to just collapse laughing. I love that you said bagina.
Anyway, this was all kinds of hilarious. Love.
An Awesome post on Kristen´s blog … On my sanity, or relative lack thereof.
I never really knew we could do such unique things with such less resources… Great to know this information…
An Awesome post on Nancy´s blog … Xbox 360 HDMI Cable: The Capabilities
This is a nice and useful post, but those pictures freaked me out. I almost puked seeing them.
-Gracy
An Awesome post on Gracy Robins´s blog … 360hdmi
Hi stranger. I come around these parts for the first time in god-knows how long, and I’m greeted with a picture of a fucking placenta.
In all seriousness, I’m going to eat my placenta this time. Then, my husband is getting castrated and I’m wrapping myself from head to toe in Press ‘n Seal.
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