Welcome to the Parenting Class of Awesome

by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on March 11, 2010

in Being Mom,Kiddos,Observations

Not everything you need to know to raise a child is in a book. Little nuggets of Awesome are discovered, most by accident, through the years as your seed grows into a Real Live Human! being.

Many of these nuggets are found by stumbling through actual poo, sleepless nights, and all-day crying fits where you’re found in the corner in the fetal position with mouth corners of chocolate and an empty bottle of Xanax, wine, and/or both.

Yeah, sure there are oodles of websites, blogs, and message boards *shudder* dedicated to passing along information “the books don’t tell you,” but there are just some things other mothers don’t think are important enough to pass along.

I’m here for you.

My goal in life, besides World Domination, is to Spread Awesome. You are so welcome. Part of my job in Spreading Awesome is to inform new parents, friends of people who are parents, and veteran child rearers of all they need to know.

Things like…

When you are kicked out of your comfy bed that you’ve spent many nights making just right with YOUR butt imprint in just the right place and has YOUR smell and has YOUR high thread count sheets, TAKE YOUR PILLOW WITH YOU TO YOUR KID’S BED. Taking YOUR pillow to the short person’s bed will trick your sleep-deprived mind into thinking you’re fast asleep in your comfy, smells-like-you bed and not on your kid’s faint-scent-of-pee, rock-hard mattress.

When you think it’s time to move your toddler to the Big Kid Bed, it’s too early. No matter when you think it’s time, it’s too early. WAIT AS LONG AS POSSIBLE TO MOVE THE KID TO THE BIG KID BED. If it means keeping the kid in the crib til she’s 5, do it. Safety note because I feel compelled to put it here so you don’t go blaming me in a lawsuit: If your kid can climb out of the crib, try a canopy net. If the canopy net doesn’t work, move the kid to a bid kid bed, but do it regretfully and sigh a lot. I’m not suggesting you go all bloody steak Joan Crawford and strap your kid to the bed, but if you leash your kid at the mall, I’m sure you’ve thought of recreating Mommie Dearest to keep kiddie dearest in bed. Whatever safely and morally works for you.

TEACH YOUR KID TO WATCH TV. Enough said.

NEVER EVER NEVER BUY CRAPASS CDS LIKE “KIDS BOP.” Any music sung by children should be saved for that child’s parent and should never ever never be recorded for purchase. If you want your kids to be exposed to good music like Kings of Leon Owl City, Kelly Clarkson, or even the made-for-commercial-sell-out Black Eyed Peas, please just play the music as it was originally intended. You’re welcome.

Please use these simple, helpful Nuggets of Parenting Awesome in your child rearing life. I’ve failed in 1-out-of-4 times, so having a 75% success rate in my own parenting class, I’m giving myself a pass for my one fail.

I need some more tips no one else told you about that you had to find out on your own as you stumble through parenting. TELL ME, DEAR INTERNETS. What more do we need to know?

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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Mamatink March 11, 2010 at 11:25 pm

I am so relieved I have been doing things right all along! Awesome!

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2 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] March 12, 2010 at 11:39 pm

*high five*!

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3 Little Miss Sunshine State March 11, 2010 at 11:29 pm

Teach your children how to make a PBJ sandwich as soon as their little paws can handle a knife without poking out an eye. Then, when you have the flu, you don’t have to get off the Big Comfy Couch and they don’t have to go hungry.

Teach your children to say Please and Thank You, zip a zipper,tie their shoes and pick up their toys BEFORE they start kindergarten. Their teacher will love you mucho.
.-= Little Miss Sunshine State´s last blog ..Memory Stick Spring Cleaning =-.

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4 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] March 12, 2010 at 11:39 pm

YES to the make-your-own-meal. i have some snacks at their level, but next? PB sammiches.

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5 T March 11, 2010 at 11:36 pm

You are SO my kinda girl! Do you know how much shit I get for that crib tent? My mother-in-law (the NICE one even….and yes, I am blessed with TWO) calls it his prison. As in “when are you going to let him out of that prison?”. He just turned 3 last week…I’m wondering how much longer I can keep it up. And kid music…mmmm…nope! I spend huge amounts of time either making play lists for the tot that he can enjoy or yelling “earmuffs!” when the F bomb gets dropped. He really digs that Paper Planes song by MIA…he doesn’t know it’s gunfire and we just pretend to not understand the words…I was blogging about this once. If I ever had another kid what I would know next time? You nailed most of it, but a big one for me was that Happiest Baby on The Block book. It was great and all, but it’s like crack for newborns, I tell ya. When I found myself jiggling a swing with one hand and blowing a hairdryer with the other and then slowing backing out of the room with the hair dryer to get the baby to sleep, then I knew I had a problem. My baby was addicted. Don’t get your baby addicted to Happiest Baby crack. Breaking him from the crack might just drive you to drink….

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6 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] March 11, 2010 at 11:46 pm

we WERE happiest baby parents! dude, that shit WORKS. we give the DVD to every new parent.

but yes, you are so right that they get addicted. you gotta stop it as early as possible, but when it works, IT WORKS.
.-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..Welcome to the Parenting Class of Awesome =-.

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7 Heather March 12, 2010 at 9:34 am

You forgot the most important thing: nutrition.

Strawberry milk is just as good as regular milk. Ice cream is dairy. Chicken nuggets are protein. Pizza covers a multitude of sins.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..A Dream…. =-.

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8 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] March 12, 2010 at 11:41 pm

polaners all-fruit jelly IS fruit.

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9 Mandi Bone March 12, 2010 at 10:09 am

If you do not react when your kids fall down they won’t either.My favorite is when Amelia was 3ish she fell at the playground. All the mother reacted. She just stood up and said” No blood no foul” and ran away.
.-= Mandi Bone´s last blog ..Sick =-.

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10 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] March 12, 2010 at 11:41 pm

oh, that is the truth.

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11 Beth Ann March 12, 2010 at 11:28 am

You can catch a quick nap while your baby nurses. You will not roll over onto your baby! Have you ever seen a bitch nurse her pups? She does not cradle them and burp them…she lies down and takes a nap!
.-= Beth Ann´s last blog ..I Think I May Have Lost Something =-.

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12 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] March 12, 2010 at 11:41 pm

one of the first things i tell new moms is to learn how to nurse lying down. LIFE. SAVER.

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13 Aunt Becky March 12, 2010 at 6:18 pm

Anyone who makes you feel like shit about the way you parent is someone who you should promptly DITCH.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Proof of Recessive Genes is in the Pudding =-.

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14 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] March 12, 2010 at 11:43 pm

ohhhh for shiz, yes.

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15 Jerseygirl89 March 12, 2010 at 7:14 pm

I’m so proud that 5 years after starting this whole parenting thing, I’d figured out some of these. But I have to add this one in, stop trying to force feed your 4 month old baby food. S/he doesn’t need it and if s/he doesn’t like it, why are you doing it? Wait until s/he’s interested in food. Both of you will be a lot happier.
.-= Jerseygirl89´s last blog ..Maybe My TV Viewing Should Be Restricted =-.

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16 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] March 12, 2010 at 11:43 pm

the. truth.

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17 Imran March 7, 2014 at 10:10 pm

Derek- I now get it!!! :):) Since I am a single guy, with no expierence with little babies and toddlers, I immediately assumed the wrong connotation when I saw the word “nursing”. I hope Jr got himself a full stomach,and had himself a happy, contended nap after that “nursing” session.

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18 Viveca from FatigueBeGone March 12, 2010 at 7:44 pm

Make sure your kid takes an afternoon nap. If they won’t nap just tell them to rest their eyes for a moment.

My mother used to put me down everyday and I remember fussing and fussing ’cause I didn’t want to miss out on the fun my brother’s were having …

My grandmother told me I didn’t have to nap – just rest my eyes for a moment. I was gone …

V.
.-= Viveca from FatigueBeGone´s last blog ..Tired all the time? =-.

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19 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] March 12, 2010 at 11:45 pm

“take a rest” is a staple in my language to my children.

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20 Martina March 7, 2014 at 6:20 pm

We are a family that has never been able to rellay understand the broken family thing, although we have always had it all around us.Wife, middlest daugheter, her husband (from a broken home and a broken marriage) and I had a nice day.They went to the nursery to get some plants and planted them, I smoked some ribs.We hat the ribs, potato salad, and deviled eggs (wife made those last night), grilled vegetables and pineapple (daughter–chef, when she isn’t driving a Big Truck–did those. Strawberries and french bread (along with the pepper, locally bottled root beer (real roots, real sugar, real water), and tomatoes from the Farmers Market in town. Some corn-and-black-bean-with-southwestern-spices fro Walmart.Life is good.(New York lawyer daughter is in New Jersey in court, youngest had to work in Kansas City.)

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21 MommyNamedApril March 12, 2010 at 9:56 pm

Casey was well over three before we moved him out of the crib. Jonathan is pretty much stuck until college. Stephen? Not making it out of the pack-and-play.

Oh, and t.v.? HELL YES. I actually prefer movies. They last longer. And my kids know how to hit the play and restart at will.
.-= MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..Flashback Friday – Four and a Half Months =-.

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22 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] March 12, 2010 at 11:47 pm

mine used to live on movies, but they’ve moved on to the shorter tv shows. the 5yo now knows how to turn on the tv and knows the disney and nick jr channel numbers. SCORE!

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23 Tina March 13, 2010 at 7:24 am

Teach them how to “wash” the dishes. So what if the water’s running for a while and they’re getting a little wet. It will give you a moment to start dinner, clear off the counter, put some food away…whatever needs taking care of at that moment.
.-= Tina´s last blog ..The Classic Red Radio Flyer Scooter =-.

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24 pixielation March 14, 2010 at 1:02 pm

I moved mine to the big bed when they were 18 months old. My first wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning, even though she now could! And she never got out at night once put to bed.

My second, on the other hand…
.-= pixielation´s last blog ..Fear and loathing in lower Orpington =-.

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25 AmazingGreis March 15, 2010 at 10:12 am

A friend of mine taught her kids (5 & 6 year olds) how to turn the tv on and leaves the cereal on the counter and a cup of milk on a low shelf in the fridge on Saturday mornings so that they can get an extra hour or 2 of sleep. The kids indulge in Sat. morning cartoons and mom gets to sleep. She also has a rule about not being able to wake up mommy until the clock says 9:00, unless it’s a real emergency. Some people think it’s lazy, I say she’s a genius!!!
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Weekly Winners – March 7 – 13… =-.

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