Welcome to the Parenting Class of Awesome

Not everything you need to know to raise a child is in a book. Little nuggets of Awesome are discovered, most by accident, through the years as your seed grows into a Real Live Human! being.

Many of these nuggets are found by stumbling through actual poo, sleepless nights, and all-day crying fits where you’re found in the corner in the fetal position with mouth corners of chocolate and an empty bottle of Xanax, wine, and/or both.

Yeah, sure there are oodles of websites, blogs, and message boards *shudder* dedicated to passing along information “the books don’t tell you,” but there are just some things other mothers don’t think are important enough to pass along.

I’m here for you.

My goal in life, besides World Domination, is to Spread Awesome. You are so welcome. Part of my job in Spreading Awesome is to inform new parents, friends of people who are parents, and veteran child rearers of all they need to know.

Things like…

When you are kicked out of your comfy bed that you’ve spent many nights making just right with YOUR butt imprint in just the right place and has YOUR smell and has YOUR high thread count sheets, TAKE YOUR PILLOW WITH YOU TO YOUR KID’S BED. Taking YOUR pillow to the short person’s bed will trick your sleep-deprived mind into thinking you’re fast asleep in your comfy, smells-like-you bed and not on your kid’s faint-scent-of-pee, rock-hard mattress.

When you think it’s time to move your toddler to the Big Kid Bed, it’s too early. No matter when you think it’s time, it’s too early. WAIT AS LONG AS POSSIBLE TO MOVE THE KID TO THE BIG KID BED. If it means keeping the kid in the crib til she’s 5, do it. Safety note because I feel compelled to put it here so you don’t go blaming me in a lawsuit: If your kid can climb out of the crib, try a canopy net. If the canopy net doesn’t work, move the kid to a bid kid bed, but do it regretfully and sigh a lot. I’m not suggesting you go all bloody steak Joan Crawford and strap your kid to the bed, but if you leash your kid at the mall, I’m sure you’ve thought of recreating Mommie Dearest to keep kiddie dearest in bed. Whatever safely and morally works for you.

TEACH YOUR KID TO WATCH TV. Enough said.

NEVER EVER NEVER BUY CRAPASS CDS LIKE “KIDS BOP.” Any music sung by children should be saved for that child’s parent and should never ever never be recorded for purchase. If you want your kids to be exposed to good music like Kings of Leon Owl City, Kelly Clarkson, or even the made-for-commercial-sell-out Black Eyed Peas, please just play the music as it was originally intended. You’re welcome.

Please use these simple, helpful Nuggets of Parenting Awesome in your child rearing life. I’ve failed in 1-out-of-4 times, so having a 75% success rate in my own parenting class, I’m giving myself a pass for my one fail.

I need some more tips no one else told you about that you had to find out on your own as you stumble through parenting. TELL ME, DEAR INTERNETS. What more do we need to know?

Tagged as: parenting secrets