What Do I Have To Be Depressed About?

by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on January 31, 2012

in All About Me,Anxiety RULES!,Mental Illness!

Looking at my life, nothing.

I have nothing to be depressed about, yet there it is.

Angie, you suck.

Oh, yeah. That.

For the first time, I see it there. I recognize it lying to me. My inner monologue that tells me I suck.

The me who isn’t me that tells me I’m unloved. It tells me that my own friends don’t like me. It tells me that I’m not funny, that everything I say is wrong, that everything I work at being successful is a failure. It puts me in a very self-centered mindset to where I believe there is a conspiracy against me.

There was split second last night when I was alone in the living room, wallowing in self-pity because everything I do is wrong and everyone can see all of my faults, where I realized it wasn’t true.

It’s not true that everything I touch fails. It’s not true that people say negative things about me. It’s not true that if my life were a kickball game, I’d always be the last one chosen.

That’s the cloud of depression and anxiety.

If you suffer from depression and anxiety, you know the cloud. You know the haze in which your brain lives for the duration.

But you may not realize that the you who isn’t you, your inner monologue, is lying to you.

And then there’s the shame of the chemical imbalance.

How embarrassing is it to realize that your own mind is telling you that what you knew to be true is no longer? There is shame in admitting that there is an inner monologue going on that you can’t control.

“You can’t control your own thoughts?”

Not when you don’t realize it’s happening.

You can’t control the negativity, the worthlessness, the thoughts of inadequacy if you don’t realize it’s the depression cloud.

No amount of encouraging words from others or hearing “snap out of it” or “what do you have to be depressed about?” can help. Why? Because the depression LIES.

The depression LIES and tells you that those people trying (in their own way) to help you, that your own friends and family are lying to you. It lies and tells you that everyone else is better than you at everything. It lies and tells you that you’re not good enough.

But that’s not you.

And until that moment when you and I and everyone who suffers realizes that it’s the chemical imbalance causing your brain to lie to you, it cannot be overcome.

For the first time, I had that realization. I had an a-ha moment of clarity exactly at the point when it was telling me that one of my friends was out to get me and prove me wrong.

But it wasn’t true.

The cloud was making me think that it was true. This one particular feeling of inadequacy wasn’t the catalyst for this bout, but I knew it had been coming. I started to realize that I had thoughts of staying in bed all day, not working, and letting all of my hard work of getting to where I am go to waste.

The combination of money struggles to having my credit card number stolen to having trouble maintaining a work schedule to heart palpitations to learning of other’s divorces to hearing of tragedy. All of it became the combined catalyst.

For me, realizing the depression is there is the first step to working hard to overcome it from getting worse.

I have to step back, look around me, recognize what I know to be true, and open myself to positive thoughts and receiving the positivity from friends, family, and others as being the truth.

That plus not forgetting to take my happy-crazy meds, will pull me through this bout.

All of that and these two:

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{ 59 comments… read them below or add one }

1 cindy w January 31, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Your depression is a lying whore. Because you are awesome. And I love you. XOXO
An Awesome post on cindy w´s blog … Random car conversations with Catie

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2 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Fucking whore.

It, not you.

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3 Kelly January 31, 2012 at 12:59 pm

I totally get this. I’m just crawling out of a 4 year depression. The door is slightly open. Sometimes I push to open it further and some days I slam it shut. I use my writing to work through it now. Somehow if I put it out there on the internet I am released a little of the choke hold it has on me.

I don’t want to be embarrassed by it anymore. That is the most painful part.

We need to put a voice to depression and relieve the stigma.

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4 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:20 pm

It’s something different for everyone, not like cancer where people understand it and know there’s treatment. It’s hard to explain that it’s not something to “just get over.”

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5 Kathryn January 31, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Truth is you are a whole lot of awesome – great post about depression, thanks for sharing. I always hear the voice in my head in the middle of the night – the lonely part where the doubt takes over. January in New England is a bitch, I’ll be happy for February and one month closer to more sunshine and happier thoughts. Remember the truth – the fact that you are amazing and funny and smart.
An Awesome post on Kathryn´s blog … Do Not

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6 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:21 pm

I’m super duper lucky to live in Florida where we don’t get SAD. Though this winter, I’m pretty pissed we haven’t had any cold weather stick around for longer than a day or two.

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7 Erin January 31, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Dude.

Whoa.

I have about zero words right now.

Maybe even negative words. Which does not even come close to explain why I’m rambling. When someone leaves me speechless I tend to just babble on incoherently (Exhibit A: RIGHT HERE) until someone stops me and/or I break technology or my brain stops whirling.

I really wish I could give you a hug and then crawl inside your brain and make you magically accept all of the good things about you. I wish I could make this fog magically disappear…but I’m so glad that you’ve come to some sort of a realization.

I don’t know you well (except from what I read on this here Internet) but I could easily write a colourful long list of things I like about you…so as a person know always feels like everyone is lying to her about these things…I won’t list the list..but please know that it’s there.

When you said this:

“For me, realizing the depression is there is the first step to working hard to overcome it from getting worse.

I have to step back, look around me, recognize what I know to be true, and open myself to positive thoughts and receiving the positivity from friends, family, and others as being the truth.”

…My whole world stopped for a minute. It was as if you were inside my brain. It was as if someone actually might possibly understand anything about my life. I don’t really know what to say…this post has kind of thrown me for a loop…but quite possibly in a really good way. I think. I hope.

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being you. Just…thanks.

<3

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8 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Fuck you for making me cry at your words.

Thank you for rambling. It’s validation.

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9 Stefanie January 31, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Depression is a cunty cunty bitch face.

I know, and just recently shared part of my story about this dance with that lying whore.

Sorry, my (amazingly awesome and super fantastic looking) friend. Hope you rise into clarity soon!

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10 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:25 pm

“Cunty” is one of my favorite words ever. That made my day.

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11 Bernice @ Living the Balanced Life January 31, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Yep, right there with you. Although I never thought of it as the chemical imbalance lying to me. Giving it a name, an identity if you will, may help me to shut it up easier.
Thank you for sharing…
An Awesome post on Bernice @ Living the Balanced Life´s blog … 10 ways to eat more vegetables

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12 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:26 pm

She’s a bitch, that cloud that lives in our brains.

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13 Adria January 31, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Thank you for this. This post was my a-ha moment. I’ve always just assumed I had horrible self-esteem. Now I know why.

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14 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Hey, I could be 1001% wrong in all of my assessments, but at least it’s making me feel a little better about myself.

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15 Adria February 1, 2012 at 9:14 am

Oh no, you are not one single bit wrong. You described me to a T. So thank you for being awesome and being right.

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16 Joules January 31, 2012 at 3:26 pm

I share this struggle so I totally get it. Depression is a motherfucking lying bitch. I don’t even know you and I know you’re awesome. Awesomesauce on toast WITH a bag of chips. I hope that depression fucks right off.
An Awesome post on Joules´s blog … Top Ten {Tuesday} Ways to Get Your Head in the Clouds

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17 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Now I want some chips and Awesomesauce dip.

mmmmmmmdip…..

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18 Kristine January 31, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I’m glad you know and realize depression is a lying son of a biotch. Sometimes, it’s hard to see past the lies and realize that it’s not you. (((((hugs)))))

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19 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Totally hard.

that’swhatshesaid

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20 Chibi Jeebs January 31, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I get this, I really do. I’m still fighting to conquer that lying bitch-faced voice that tells me I’m worthless and useless and unlovable. I’m always here, dude.

xoxo

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21 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:33 pm

YOU are amazing. I miss you on my Awesome.

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22 Chibi Jeebs January 31, 2012 at 4:56 pm

FOR YOU, because I luff you, once I get my damned house unpacked, I’ll see what I can do. <3

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23 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 5:07 pm

That would make me sososososo happy.

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24 toywithme January 31, 2012 at 3:55 pm

As someone who struggles with depression I admire you for pushing forward, staying out of bed and writing this post! Thank you for having the courage to share.
An Awesome post on toywithme´s blog … Desperate For Love

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25 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Thanks. I didn’t really think of it as courage, but as a need for validation and brain dumping.

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26 toywithme January 31, 2012 at 4:51 pm

I definitely see it as courageous! Maybe one day I’ll grow the balls it takes to speak out too :)
An Awesome post on toywithme´s blog … Desperate For Love

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27 Jo January 31, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Love you.

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28 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:34 pm

You’re pretty.

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29 geekbabe January 31, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Hey, I’ve turned “I suck” moments into an art form that makes me serious money ;)
Seriously, be kind to yourself, work with your treatment team to put together practical
coping skills that are useful for YOUR situation. Understand that in putting yourself
out here you are helping a lot of people by bringing this illness out of the shawdows
and into the light, you are a good person struggling with a mean illness!

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30 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:36 pm

And how can I, too, make this ‘serious money’…?

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31 geekbabe January 31, 2012 at 4:48 pm

I’d like to tell you.. but it’s sort of a like the number one rule of Fight Club type of deal.

Just be you, the brands will come..
An Awesome post on geekbabe´s blog … Join us for the Little Debbie Be my Valentine Twitter Party

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32 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:52 pm

My door’s not being knocked down, but I get drop-bys now and then for some good money. And I can only be me. I don’t have the brain power to be anyone else.

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33 Amber January 31, 2012 at 4:35 pm

PANGIE! I love you and I know the feeling. I also have a case of the everyone is out to get me and they should be because I’m not good enough crazies. Here to talk anytime!

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34 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:37 pm

You’re good enough.
You’re smart enough.
And gosh darnit, I like you.

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35 Nanette January 31, 2012 at 4:45 pm

I’d like to punch depression in the taco on your behalf.

I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

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36 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I love you to infinity.

Yes, I just 1-upped you.

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37 Frelle January 31, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Im right there with you today. chemical imbalance, out of nowhere, trying not to believe the lies in my head. Its not you. You’re right. It’s the lies your head tells you. You are beautiful, funny, and fantastic. You are brave and strong. sending you endurance and hope.
An Awesome post on Frelle´s blog … Faith: I Am Always Enough

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38 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 8:24 pm

You’re right, and I’m putting that in my pocket as a reminder for later.

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39 nic @mybottlesup January 31, 2012 at 6:22 pm

If you want to hang ever, I’m not far. This really resonated with me and I admire you for writing it.
An Awesome post on nic @mybottlesup´s blog … a place of calm

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40 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Thanks lady.

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41 Becky January 31, 2012 at 6:29 pm

So sorry that things are hard for you. I’m sending you love, light and healing.
An Awesome post on Becky´s blog … Reasons I Shouldn’t Have Access To The Internet

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42 Angie's Favourite Sister January 31, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Just don’t give up. If that means putting on a different pair of loungewear, so be it. You got “dressed.” Winning.

Damned be to that whore in our brains. Mitchell?

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43 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] January 31, 2012 at 8:25 pm

I’m actually wearing clothes today, even if it did take until 3:00 to put on a bra. But, to my credit, I would have had one on earlier but none were clean yet.

So, WINNING?

And yes, we blame Mitchell.

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44 YoMama February 1, 2012 at 12:25 am

So that’s where Mitchell went – I thought you two just starved him to death. Maybe he’s getting revenge…
And take your “pills.” I LOVE YOU!!!

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45 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 1, 2012 at 9:04 am

Oh, I gots my pills. Don’t you worry about that.

And you’re probably right. Zombie Mitchell will haunt our lives FOR-EV-ER.

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46 Amanda Bone February 1, 2012 at 2:21 am

Hugs my friend. I am right there with you in the yuck and bad thoughts about myself. I feel weak because I am thinking I need to get back on my meds when it has been so long with out them. Love you!

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47 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 1, 2012 at 9:05 am

Love you, too, pretty lady. I miss you!

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48 Stacey February 1, 2012 at 7:55 am

You are an amazing person with amazing daughters who does amazing things. We don’t live that far from each other. If you ever need some time away, just shoot me an email.

I battle that lying whore depression too. Throw in some anxiety and a little OCD, and I’ve hit the trifecta!
An Awesome post on Stacey´s blog … Coming Out Of Hiding

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49 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 1, 2012 at 9:06 am

You’re a triple threat! SCORE!

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50 Diana Kimmel February 1, 2012 at 8:06 am

Hey girlie,

don’t mean to sound “preachy” but I have been studying Food and Mood for quite some time now. I will graduate as a “Holistic Health Counselor” in May 2012. I totally believe that everything can be made whole again with the right nutrition. There is so much information out there that’s it’s almost a DIY cure. Please look into it; or of course you can ask me and I’ll be happy to help you. I really hate that you are suffering so much. I’ve been there, done that!
Aunt D.

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51 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 1, 2012 at 9:07 am

I do believe in what you’re saying. To do all that, I’d need an entire overhaul of my kitchen, my un-meal planning, and my un-cooking knowledge.

And congrats to you, Miss Hippie Dippy Holistic Health Counselor, you!

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52 Erin February 1, 2012 at 9:58 am

Sending you tons of ((((HUGS)))). If you ever need to go out for a drink and vent, let me know!
An Awesome post on Erin´s blog … My (LATE) Goals For 2012 Post

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53 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 1, 2012 at 11:42 am

Thank you, lady!

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54 chrisinphx February 2, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I’ve always described that kinda funk as the “Charlie Brown rain cloud hanging over my head” after 3 years and trying like elevety different medication combos later I finally feel like myself again. I think depression is a bitch that needs to be punched in the tit and shown the door.
Big hugs Angie I hope this funk passes and you feel better soon!

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55 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 2, 2012 at 9:22 pm

I’m on good meds and mostly do well. I’m probably just in a weird impasse where I have to actually deal with it. Which is totally DUMB.

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56 Keli February 2, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Angie,
Reading your gut-wrenchingly real description of depression has cemented what I have suspected for a while now. My occasional days of having the blues are actually much more than occasional and much more than feeling lazy and insecure. Now I have to face getting some help. Happy-Crazy meds for everyone ;)
Thanks for being real.

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57 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 2, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Aw shits. You mean I actually did some GOOD in the world by encouraging you to figure things out?

Good meds are a good thing.

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58 Al_Pal February 3, 2012 at 11:26 am

Awww, honeypie. Saw this on Chibi’s FB. *HUGS*
I had depression sufficient to require meds in college. I still have flashes of it sometimes, the not feeling like showering or dressing stuff…I’ve never been an OMGshowerallthetime person though; I don’t sweat that much very often! Heh. I can get overwhelmed by sadness sometimes. Mostly my life is beyond epic and awesome, but we all have hard times that we go through, and trauma/PTSD can certainly be an ass-biter. ;p
My hubby provides a good mix of “just holding me” and also “making me laugh” when I cry, so, that really helps. & I’m *mostly* really good at being positive, which is huge.
*HUGS*!

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59 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 3, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Hooray for meds!

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