Way back when I first started blogging in 2007, I posted about Patrick’s adventures in sleeping. I’ve edited a bit here and there to funny-up myself.

For all of my new Plurky friends and new bloggy friends and for everyone who forgot the hilarity, read below:

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Every night as my head hits the pillow, I wonder what sounds I might fear hear, laugh at, or be frightened by. No, not in my dreams. By my husband.

HockeyMan takes Ambien each night out of necessity so he says. He’s always been a sleep-talker, but because of the Ambien, his talking is amplified 10x.

His mom’s favorite sleep-talking phrase is one where she asked him what time he had to be up. His answer: “A half passed destiny.” Right. I’ll get you up then.

Because I so enjoy a list, I’ll give you a run-down of some of the things I have experienced in the late-night hours of sleeping next to HockeyMan.

• Uproarious wake-the-house-up laughing. It lasts for 5 seconds, and then silence. I’ve tried asking him what was so funny, but I get no response.

• Jibber-jabber. This is the most commonly heard sleep-talking. I’ve tried so hard to determine what he’s actually saying, even asking him what he’s saying, but to no avail.

• Groping. I know this doesn’t fall in line with sleep-talking, but it’s a side-effect of the Ambien so he says. He will roll over and aggressively grope me. Now, you think that would be nice under normal circumstances. But when he’s DEAD asleep and has no idea what he’s doing, it’s kind of creepy. Back off sleepy man.

• Tickling. Again, doesn’t fall in with sleep-talking, but he’s DEAD asleep. I’ve been awoken by HockeyMan ATTACKING me and tickling me all-the-while laughing very creepily. It was very frightening, but then again, really funny. Then it stops in about 5 seconds, and he’s back to dreamyland.

• Kick save. HockeyMan is plays hockey (duh), and he’s the goalie on his team. In that dreamyland state just before full sleepage, he’s made a few kick saves and glove saves. Those are kinda scary.

• Questions. This one needs some set-up. I had been out with my girlfriends (this happens about once a year unfortunately), and my drunky friends decided it would be funny to stop by my house to say hi to HockeyMan. It was still a bit early, so he was still up and awake. I have a crazy friend – you know, the one who will do ANYTHING. She and HockeyMan are close (no funny ideas) and kid each other all the time. So when I came to bed that night/morning, I cuddled up to HockeyMan.

That’s when he asked, “Which one are you?” Ummmm… Exsqueeze me? Which one am I?

Apparently, when he was falling asleep, he thought that if it had been just 30 min later when all us girls showed up, that my crazy friend would have gone in and jumped up and down on our bed, or even cuddled up to him, to wake him up. Very valid. So, he was thinking that we had come back and someone, not me, had crawled into bed with him.

Yeah… it was me. Sorry for your luck, HockeyMan. Now go grope yourself.

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 12th, 2008 at 12:04 am and is filed under Family, Farts and Other Stuff, Married Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.